What Have I Been Up To?

Hey there.

I am so sorry for my long absence. What have I been doing? I have been as selfish as possible.

I've become as much of a social recluse as I could. I now wash my hair every three days, just so I don't have the annoyance of Eloise shouting at me to hurry up. I no longer make plans with people, just so I can wear tracksuit pants and old t-shirts everyday. I don't wear make up at all really (I've reached the point where I'm essentially drawing on my brows, the shape has well and truly gone out the window). I've been dealing with an increasingly fussy child, who doesn't like to nap, or sleep at night. And some days just isn't hungry. I've been exhausted. And disheartened (Hunger strike? Ah yeah, grand so).

And that's just a fraction of it. I've been catching up and spending time with my friends and family, who are my life. I've been planning a wedding while living three hours away from home (where I'm getting married). I've been binge watching 'Making A Murderer', much like the rest of the Irish nation (I've also been introducing Eloise to Pókemon, because I'm a good parent). I've been cooking up a storm, some things delicious, some things not so much, but I've been making a good effort. I've lost 2.5 stone through Slimming World, and I'm not finished yet.

This festive period has been very much about me, with Kris and Eloise coming up home to spend our first as a family with my family. And you know what? I deserved it. The last 9 months have been hard. I was so pregnant I couldn't stand, sit, walk or lie comfortably. I had a very painful 13 hour labour (Fun Fact: I thought labour only started once I'd gotten my epidural, don't ask me what I thought the 6/7 hours of screaming in pain in bed was. Yes, I am a dope.) We had a new baby, and had no idea what to do with her. I quickly got overwhelmed and didn't really have anyone to talk to. We found out I had Post Natal Depression. I got the help I needed. I had to come to terms that any negative feelings I had about or towards Eloise weren't my own, they were a hormonal imbalance. I found out I had the will power and determination to lose 2.5 stone with a life style change that suits me and my family.  I found out we had created the most amazing child, equal parts sweet & innocent with devious & bold! (She's recently mastered the gammy up-and-down wave and is working on clapping her hands now!) I've realised every day is 24 hours for a reason, some days are easier and some days will soon be over. I can go to bed and know that tomorrow is another day and a new chance for my happiness to grow. I've never been happier or prouder of myself, and I know I should be. I've worked hard to get where I am emotionally and physically. I'm no where near where I want to be, but I'm so grateful for how far I've come.

So yes, I've had sleepless nights and more pj days than strictly necessary, but I've also had Netflix to keep me company and a reason to buy new pyjamas. It would be very easy to focus on the bad, and God knows I've spent enough time wallowing, but I've also had a chance to improve my character and focus on my happiness.

I've been trying my best to see the opportunities rather than the difficulties. Sometimes it seems easier than others, sometimes I think I'm a cheesy fool for using imagery like this. Either way I'm getting there. I was going to make this a New Years Resolutions post, and I started typing and I realised how negative posts like that can be, so I'm going to list some things I like about myself that I'm carrying through to this year.

• I'm a much better mother than I ever expected or hoped to be. She's happy and healthy and I've done that. Not alone, but I've been a major factor.
• I have no words to express the love and gratitude I have to Kris, my family and friends for having the patience and love I've needed the last few months. 
• Myself and Kris make an effort to have conversations. We are also massive eejits fairly effortlessly, so we laugh quite often.
• I respect and love my family a lot more now I have my own. My Daddy has always been my hero, and now I know he deserves that title.
• I started taking much better care of myself, through my diet, and I'm hoping 2016 is the year I sort my fitness. Kris got me a kettlebell for Christmas (I asked for it!), and I started using it last night. Thank Christ for YouTube!
• I find the time to do the things I love and relax me, whether it's binge watch all of Netflix or write my blog posts.
• I get to watch Eloise grow and explore.
• I also enjoy going on a night out and don't need to text or ring Kris 40 times to see if she's ok.

Selfishness is a dirty word. But without selfishness there is no balance, and without balance you do not have good mental health. Please please please, talk to someone sooner rather than later if you need to. If anyone suggests you need help, please don't be offended. Take their help. Don't rob yourself of your happiness any longer. I spoke to my GP and haven't looked back, but if you can't go to your own GP, for whatever reasons, there are so many options online now.

I know this was quite heavy, but I promise I'll be back next week with a much lighter topic, maybe the TMI tag? Contact me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter if there's anything you'd like me to do a post about? And give me a follow too!

Love, 

MyBuzzyBeauty